If Only
by akima-yuki-chan
Summary: Mikan woke up one day remembering nothing about herself. She made new friends and made a new life. But what would happen if the people from her past suddenly appears? Caught between the past and present, the truth and the lies, what will she do? With her nurse-friend beside her, will she be able to find what truly wanted and be able to make the right decisions? RxR
1. Chapter 1

**If Only**

"If you have a choice what would you choose?"

: akima-yuki-chan (NerdWitch)

**Author's notes:** For a change, I made this drama novel which reflects different emotions in life. This also represents feelings that I've been hiding all my life. I hope I could touch the reader's heart through this story I made. Please bear with me. The places I used in this novel were all fictional.

**Chapter 1: Alive**

The ceiling was white, so pure that I thought I'm in heaven. The smell that lingered around where I was was like burning incense. I felt my breath, checking if I'm alive or not – I was breathing. I tried to move my hand but I can't. I moved some other parts of my body but it won't. I was paralyzed. I tried to utter a word but no words came out. My lips were dry as a dessert. I felt cold. I blinked which I found was the only thing I can do as of the moment. I heard footsteps coming towards me. Then, a voice said, "I see you're awake." Suddenly, I felt nervous and weak. I wanted to know who that person was but I don't know how. All I could see was the white ceiling.

The person beside me whom I recognized as a man from his husky voice was talking about things I'm unfamiliar with. Although, I was able to know that the place where I was, was a hospital and that I've been here for 3 months. He said that it's a good sign that I was able to wake up. He's a doctor maybe. He kept talking until finally I doze off to sleep.

Once again, my eyes opened. Still I'm trapped in this big white box. However, this time instead of smelling incense, I smelled perfume. It was not faint but not too strong either. Out of the blue, a face appeared in front of me. If only I could move, I would have jumped out of bed out of shock. "Hi," he greeted. His voice was so gentle. I bet he's different from the man I heard last time. I was able to look at his face carefully since he paused for several minutes staring at me. He's angelic with his crimson orbs, red lips and hair like the darkest night. His stare made me feel conscious about my appearance.

He smiled before going out of my sight. I would have smiled too but I was petrified. "I'm glad you're awake now," he said. I presumed he was organizing my medicines because I heard the soft clinks and clanks of bottles. "I'll just give you your medicine, okay? You need this for your full recovery," he informed. I was right. "By the way I haven't introduced myself to you yet. I'm Natsume," he told me. I listened to every word he says; silently wishing he won't stop talking. I know it's absurd but I found myself liking the sound of his voice. A few moments later, the door opened and closed again which means I'm alone again in this hostile place.

Exactly three months, 2 weeks and 4 days passed from the time I was first brought here. I heard from the nurses that I was found lying unconscious in a vacant lot near an abandoned house by some people in Ashville. I had bruises all over my body and a big wound in my head. My clothes were covered with dirt and were slightly tattered. The people who found me discovered nothing to help them know who I was. However, they did find a baggage full of clothes and nothing else. So they inferred that I ran away from home and met bad people on my way. But what really happened to me was still a mystery.

It was probably in the late afternoon when I woke up. To my utter surprise my hand moved on my command. I heaved a sigh. Finally, I could move. I reposition my head to the left. The curtain covered the vast window, protecting me from the sunlight. It was green. I liked it. There's also a white sofa set. I shift my head to the right and saw a tray of food on top of the table beside my bed. Right, it was lunch time already.

The door opened revealing a young man in white. He was tall with hair as dark as the night. I smelled a familiar scent. He looked at me and smiled. I smiled too. I was glad I wasn't frozen like a mannequin. "How are you?" he asked. Trough his voice and smell, I identified him as Natsume. "I'm fine, thank you," I answered. I was flabbergasted because I could speak now. His smile widen for an unknown reason. "I'm so glad to hear from you. Tell me, is your head aching?" he asked. I told him I'm not feeling anything unusual. After a few minutes, he helped me sit up. He told me I should eat so he prepared the food on the tray. He put the tray on the lower part of the bed. He sat down on a chair and scooped a spoonful of porridge from the bowl. "Here," he said spooning the porridge to me. "I can manage eating by myself really," I lied. The truth was I'm still weak to even hold something. I was just shy. "You can't. Look at yourself, you're still pale. For now, let me do this for you," he insisted. Obviously, I couldn't do anything so I timidly agreed. He fed me the porridge up to the last spoon. "Very good," he exclaimed, treating me like a child. Yes, it was childish but at least I felt like someone really cares for me.

Every day he did the same thing. He told me that he was my personal nurse so his time should be spent by taking care of me. But what confused me the most was that in these past few days, he didn't even asked about my life story. So…

"Hey, don't you think it's strange that you're taking care of me yet you don't even know my name?" I asked. He just raised his slightly thick eyebrows. "I mean, I know your name but you don't know mine. Don't you think it's unfair?" I added. He chuckled. "I see. That sounds ok. May I ask your name Miss?" he asked grinning. "Well my name is…my name is…" I trailed off, bemused. What was my name? I deeply thought about the answer to his forced question but I just couldn't seem to find it. I'm supposed to know my name, aren't I? But why couldn't I remember it?

I looked at Ivo with a puzzled look upon my face. "I-I-I d-don't know… what my n-name i-is…" I uttered completely staggered. "What? Are you sure?" he asked worried. I thought about my life; where do I live, who is my family, where did I come from. "Now that you mentioned it… I just can't seem to remember anything." I stated scared by the sudden revelation. I suddenly felt exposed. Out of the blue, a hand grasped mine. "It's okay, it's okay. Don't cry now. Everything's going to be alright," Natsume said embracing me. Tears poured down from my eyes continuously and my body shook from fright.

"What if I-I'm a bad person? That's why they found me wounded. What if people want me dead because I'm bad? What if my family doesn't want me? When I'm discharged from here, where will I go?" I cried.

"Shush… Don't think about that okay? What's important now is that you're alive. You still got me, see? I'm your nurse-friend remember? You can always count on me." He said. He pushed me gently and faced me. "It doesn't matter if you don't remember your past, God gave you another life and another chance to make new memories, so what matters most now is that you live your life and make memories that you will never forget. Don't waste the chance He gave you."

He's right. Weeping because of my loss memories won't help me. I should be strong. I wiped my tears and said, "Thanks, you're right. I shouldn't be like this. Instead I should think of what I'll do to survive. You really are a friend. Thank you." I hugged him tightly. I'm so glad Natsume's here.

**~End~**


	2. Chapter 2: Open

**If Only**

"If you had a choice what would you choose?"

**Author's note:** Hi! Just a reminder: I'll be changing my verb tense usage from now on. Instead of "past tense" I'll use the present. I'll edit the first chapter when I'll have time. Thanks for giving this some time to read. And I'll really appreciate it if you leave some reviews. Ja ne!

**Chapter 2: Open**

"How was your day Miss Sakura?" asks the female nurse by my side.

"So far, it's okay." I reply, smiling, never taking my eye away from the scenery. I like the name they gave me – Sakura. Actually it was Natsume who called me that first. It was when the Cherry Blossom trees' were in full bloom when they found me. So he named me after it. By then, everyone calls me Sakura. It is nice not to be a "No Name" person anymore.

I am on the rooftop, looking at the horizon. Patients are not usually allowed in here but the management especially permitted me since I've been staying here for quite a long time now. A month? Two months? Three months? I don't know. I lost track of time. Maybe because I'm used to this place that I feel like home or just I don't really care. The people in here are all friendly and nice. They always greet me whenever they pass me by. They bring me food and everything I need. Sometimes, it makes me think that I'll be stuck here forever but that's just a silly idea. No one lives in the hospital for good, isn't it? In any case, I dread the idea of leaving this place.

The red-orange sky is beginning to turn pink and later on, it will turn to gray then black. The wind also is getting cooler. Lights are starting to open up from the different buildings and establishments in the city. The honking sounds of the cars in the busy streets can be heard up from here. Looking at the far horizon, I think of the people I left behind or if I had none. It _made _me sad but now, I don't feel anything. It's as if my many months of staying here washed it away.

Deep in thoughts, I feel a hand on my left shoulder. I don't need to look because I know that it's Natsume. He always does that when it's time to go back to my room. "Let's go," I hear him say. He grabs the handle of the wheelchair. Yes, a wheelchair. I can actually walk on my own now but he always insists that I take this four-wheeled chair if I'll go to the rooftop which always. He is about to push it but before he does, I ask him, "Don't you miss your family?"

He heaves a sigh. Whenever I ask him that he just sighs. So up till now, I don't know if he answers yes or no. He always stays silent when it comes to his family so I don't have the slightest clue about his family background. I often ask other nurses and even doctors about it but like me, they don't know. He pushes the wheelchair, or I'd rather say, me, towards the elevator. He is silent until we reach our destination – my room. Once I hear the door closed, I immediately stand up only to find myself falling on the floor. However, before that happens completely, two strong arms catch me. "Why can't you just sit down for a while longer, Miss?" he says. Miss huh? He only uses that word when he's irritated or serious – really serious. If I reason out, I'll just be defeated so I choose to keep my mouth shut. Well, I manage to utter sorry.

He guides me to my bed like I'm a one-year-old kid learning how to walk. I watch him prepare my supper and medicine. He put a tiny white tablet in a plastic medicine cup together with an oval-shaped capsule which is supposed to be my vitamins. He pours slightly cold water in the glass. It has always been his daily routine – preparing my food and my medicine. I wonder if he gets tired of taking care of me.

"No, except for my sister," he says, a reply from my previous question. I never thought he'd answer it. Now that he did, at least I know he has a sister. Though I wonder what happened in his family that he seems so distant from them. I don't bother asking him why because it would be too nosy of me. I nod in response.

"I've been away from my family for four years now. I don't contact them anymore except for, like I've said, my sister. She's turning 15 next week. We're close so it made me sad when went away. She wants to see me on her birthday. But I don't know if I should come. I don't really want to come back to my old place," he continues. He lifts the food tray and put it on the bed. "Don't waste anything," he reminds me – which is another term for "Eat all of it or else…"

He sits on the chair beside me. For a long moment he silently stares on the floor. I wonder why he's so distant from his family. I wonder what happened to him. I wonder if he'll come to his sister's birthday. I hope he would. I know he wants to go. He should go. I want to know that he will. I want to know more about him. Rapidly, curiosity wraps my mind. I stop eating. I can't take it anymore so I speak.

"I'm sure your sister will be so much happy if she sees you. You can tell her to come here instead. Or you can go there and meet your sister secretly. I don't know how long you've been away from her but clearly by the looks of your face, it's been a very long time and you really miss her."

I wait for his reply but he just remains still. I start thinking if he's getting agitated or what. His expression remains unchanged though – serious, lonely and angry. His emotions are cutting through me. I hate it. I'm getting agitated. I tell you, when I'm nervous or curious I talk too much, way too much. Before I can stop myself, I start speaking again.

"I didn't mean to interfere okay? I just don't like seeing you like that. You can get mad at me and all but don't be like that. It's disturbing. I don't know what happened to you and your family a long time ago. Clearly, I know it's not good but at least try doing something about it. Meet your sister. It might make you happy even just a bit. I don't like seeing you sad, you know?"

I look at him. He looks at me. His face is blank. He looks at me as if I stabbed him hard. Then he looks away again towards the white wall. Finally he says. "You're right." He stands up and walks to the door. He twists the doorknob and says, "Thank you. I might as well let you see my sister." He smiles at me and walks out the door. 'Let you see my sister,' – his last words mark on my mind. Does that mean he'll invite him over? Moreover, he smiled! Does that mean he's not mad? My goodness! This whole thinking thing makes me dizzy.

I resume eating my meal and when I'm done, I put the food tray on the table. I lie awake in my bed. I stare at the white ceiling like it is suddenly the most interesting thing on earth. I still think about the events that happened a while ago. He somehow opened up to me. I never did think that he'd do that. Even if we're close with each other, he still seems so distant. From what happened earlier, I think I'm one step closer to him now. I'm glad I am. Really.

Thinking off that makes me also think of my family which also means, my past. I wonder If I _had_ a family, am I also distant from them? Or that I am too close to them that I don't want to be separated. Many nights that I have a vague dream about a few faces I don't recognize. Some were good but most of the time bad. One time, I have this frightening dream about me falling off a cliff and people laughing while looking at me mercilessly. It always gives me the shivers even though it's not real. I don't really like it. It was horrible. Really horrible. Anyways, after what happened today maybe I'll have a pleasant dream. I really hope so. I hope I'll have a good sleep tonight. Slowly I doze off.

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~End of Chapter 2~


	3. Chapter 3: First Time

**If Only**

**Chapter 3: First Time**

For the seventh time now, I look at myself in the mirror. I scrutinize the clothes I'm wearing right now. It's just a simple buttoned-down floral white blouse paired with a pink skirt. The shoes, well, it's also pink with a ribbon design. I tied my hair in a half-moon. No eye shadows (don't have that), just lip gloss. Oh my, I'm so nervous. It's not like we're going out on a date, but I'm still nervous. Then there's a knock on the door – that's my cue!

Natsume is looking at me with his teasing crimson eyes. With a smile on his face he asked, "Ready?" I obligingly nod. He's been waiting for me to finish for like thirty minutes so it'd be really embarrassing if I ask him to wait again. No matter, he didn't even complain. He's so kind.

He reached out for my hand and I gladly take it. Then we went out.

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"So where are we going?" I ask him after a few minutes. We are walking along an unfamiliar street. The atmosphere's quiet and relaxing. The people we pass by look happy and kind. I feel quite comfortable being with him alone.

We are actually going to meet his sister. He surprisingly considered my suggestion last week to visit his sister on her birthday with the provision that I'm coming with him. So now, here I am walking in some place I don't know, instead of playing with other patients in the hospital. He forced me to. I swear.

I didn't notice that he already stopped walking so I bump onto him. "Oops! Sorry!" I apologise. He didn't seem to bother though. He is busy staring at something in front of him. It's a '_someone'_, in fact. He walks towards her and hugs her tight. I look at their happy faces when they saw each other. It is so inspiring and heart pinching. I can only imagine how much they miss each other. I feel envious.

After a few moments, Natsume looks at me and gestures for me to come to them. "Uhh hi..." I greet when I reached them. Next thing I knew, the girl's squeezing me hard. I surely, unquestionably, indisputably did not expect that.

"So... You're Sakura?" she half-states, half-asks. I awkwardly nod. "Wow! It's so nice to meet you!" she says, taking both of my hands. She's very cheerful – a complete opposite of her brother. "Know what? My brother's been tal— " Before she can complete her sentence, Natsume covers her mouth.

"Why don't we go inside and eat something. My treat," the crimson eyed man suddenly offers. Suspicious.

"Sounds like a good idea," I reply. Then we head inside this fancy restaurant just a few blocks away from us.

Natsume's sister, Aoi, looks so much like him. In fact, she's the female version of him. She has the same colour of eyes and hair – only hers is longer of course. The only difference is that she has this jovial aura around her that makes people want to smile too. I like her. I will be so happy if I have a sister like her.

After eating a hearty meal, we head to a theme park. It is really nice there. There's a roller coaster, carousel, Ferris wheel, space shuttle and a lot more. Just being there makes feel young again. Of course I'm still young but you know what I mean. We spend the whole day just riding as much rides as we can but most of the time, I just take pictures and watch them enjoy the ride. I'm not much fond of riding these scary things like the roller coaster. I get dizzy fast so before I spoil the fun by feeling sick I just satisfy myself by watching them. Well of course, I tried one ride, and I felt my heart was being taken away inside my chest, literally. So yeah, better just be the photographer.

"Thank you Onii-san for making my birthday special!" I hear Aoi say.

"Only for my dear sister," he replies, messing up the girl's hair.

The Natsume in front of me now is totally different from the Natsume I know in the hospital. There he barely smiles and always looking serious. He wears a stoic face around the white building so that no one would approach him. However, today is different. He has this certain smile on his face, making every girl we pass by drool and make every boy envious. He's already handsome without any effort what more if you see him smile.

Maybe I thought a lot that I didn't notice the two isn't on my side anymore. I almost jumped when Natsume suddenly sit beside me showing me a chocolate flavoured ice cream. "Here. Eat that while you're resting. I'll just go to the space shuttle with Aoi."

Space Shuttle. Just the name terrifies me. It's this particular ride that's like 200 meters tall.

10 minutes passed and they're still not back. Maybe the line is too long so it'll take them long before they could take that ride. With that in mind, I decide to leave the bench and take a stroll around. Might as well buy her a gift. The hospital still gives me a salary even though I stay there. They say I need it so I hesitantly accepted it. It was too much. They're already kind enough to let me stay there.

I pass few stores selling teddy bears, shirts, key chains and a lot more other souvenirs. I enter the smallest and creepiest store I saw. Inside are mugs, posters, animal caps and jewelries. Funny thing is, in the far corner of the room, hidden by shadows, is a couple of book. It has a hard bound cover with a color mixture design. Its pages are big and quite yellowy. I open it and find nothing written on it. Well there's just one, on the first page. It says, "Write your own adventure". There is also a pen attached to it. It's interesting.

"You can write your own story in it," says someone beside me. It must be the store owner.

"Oh hi. I was just looking at it," I reply.

"It looks good isn't it? There's only two pieces left. One is in your hands," she adds.

I am looking for something special as a gift to Aoi so this might be the one.

"Uhh how much is it?" I ask.

"Just a hundred yen for you," she says.

Just a hundred? For this? That's a very very low price.

In any case, I buy it and find some place to write something in it.

"The end," I declare when I finish writing the story. I hope she'll like it.

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"Nee-chan! Thank you Sakura-nee! I love it!" Aoi exclaims as she jumps up and down from glee. She gives me a big hug as she continues admiring my gift to her. She opened it as soon as I hand it to her.

"I'm glad you like it," I say. I really am glad. I'm happy I made someone happy. Natsume looks at me with a smile on his lips.

"Sakura-nee, onii-san I'll just go buy something, okay?" she says out of the blue then runs away.

So I'm left with Natsume on my side. While waiting, we decide to go for a walk and window shop. Again.

On this certain store, something glistening catches me eye. I walk towards it and touch with my hands. It's a silver necklace. It has a heart-shaped pendant which holds a green sphere inside it. It's so beautiful. I am really tempted to buy it but the price is too high for a low earner like me. So I did what others would do – leave it.

"Shall we go? Aoi might be searching for us right now," I say when I saw him. He just nods in response. I look at the necklace once again as we go out of the store.

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Evening comes and it's time to go. We go to the train station. Since she came from another town she has to take the train for a ride home. I watch them bid goodbye to each other. Then Aoi approaches me.

"Sakura-nee, take care of Onii-san okay?" she says then gives me a very warm hug.

The train left exactly at 7 o'clock. I wave her goodbye as the train moves away. I eye Natsume and see his face looking melancholic again. I feel sad too so I look away.

"Let's go?" asks Natsume when the train vanished from our sight. Surprisingly, he offers his hand to me. Flabbergasted at first but I take it anyways. We walk back to the hospital holding each other's hand. I admit I love how it feels – so soft and warm. If we could only do this everyday...

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Before I close the door to my room, Natsume puts his hand on the edge of the door to stop it.

"Hmm, what is it?" I ask. He looks nervous. His eyes focus at everything except me.

"I-I just wanted to say thank you. Really. I had a lot of fun today especially because you're there. Thanks," he says.

Okay. This is totally weird. Is that a compliment I heard? It sounds so good. It's not so him.

"Don't mention it. I had fun too. Thank you," I smile at him then he walks away, waving goodbye.

I lie down my bed and relive in my mind everything that has happened today. It is my first time going out here. Probably my first time too, holding a man's hand. I really enjoyed this day. I hope this would happen again. With a smile on my face, I start drifting off to sleep, hoping that tomorrow will be a good day too.

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But that didn't happen...

**~End of Chapter 3~**

**Author's note: **Uhh just want you to know that I'm still continuing this story. Anyways, thanks for having the time to read it. Thank you!

**P.S**. I'llbe glad to hear your thoughts about this novel.


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